Everything Out of My Head

It is sometime in the end of November, I am lying down my bed fighting with Malaria for the second or third time I guess. I felt shattered last night,my inside was shallow and I wanted to scream. Almost 1.5 of 2 years of JEE Preparation was over, I haven't studied anything great or say I did not have the curiosity before, I love science but I hate the Indian Education System because of the way it fucked me. Then thoughts about love came to my mind, the girl whom I loved the most, was dating someone else. "Someone else" was not a problem just that I thought I had almost lost my girl, she hasn't really become mine yet. Then came my Facebook pages, kind of small startups that I was doing during high-school, they were dying.  In short every possible negative thought about life was coming inside my mind. Even though I had built a strong mind, my heart was yet weaker.




Coming to present day, I'm about do things my way. Like studying the way I like. I just cannot bear this Indian way of learning things, just do something over a hundred times with x or y conditions and boom you have learned, that machine learning, I'm not a machine. To be clear it fails to bring my interest towards studying and learning things. I have always loved science and the way it changes things. But then in India its sort of becoming a tool that will give you a job. Half of my class is studying to achieve a good rank in IIT JEE, which is a good thing but nobody is actually loving the process of learning and creating stuff. I'm not blaming anyone for this, its just there. On the other half I'm planning to learn by understanding the basics of things through YouTube videos, they are quite helpful as they help me in visualizing stuff, my text book has a 2D diagram of a 3D world and that too in Black and White.

One more thing that came to mind was comparison. My whole class thinks that X person is intelligent that Y person as he has got more marks, that concept is fucking stupid. Plus the teachers I've got are good and bad at the same time. Good as in they know what they are teaching , bad because they're not teaching it way it should be taught. Like categorizing chapters as difficult and easy. Plus they are teaching concepts by problems. But I will not accuse them of my bad marks, they are my property. I wasn't focused on science before , I was more into graphic designing and humor those days and it seemed that I did pretty good in those fields which then the people started telling me I was "talented" in them. I don't believe in talents though. I'm not underestimating myself but a question comes to my mind "Was I born with this?" Certainly not, I found it interesting, I focused, I practiced, I failed then I learnt this and eventually became good at it, So I can apply this concept practically on any skill that can be learnt.

Talking About Love, yes I did experience it in 12th grade, it is a girl from my class. Currently she's dating someone but that doesn't stop me . Obviously I'm not trying to win her from him, that's not cool. I'll only do so when she's available next time. We've been great friends though, I have spoken lightyears with her. Our conversations are pretty different, even she thinks so. They are random, opposite of each other, and usually funny fights of who's more awesome in something. We were once discussing Chetan Bhagat's sex life in deep. I like this part of her the most, talking! She says she just blabbers most of the time but I like it. On the other hand she's a really pretty girl like I'm sure over 10,000 guys must have tried on her before me but actually I didn't fall for the looks, I like that talking part more. So overall in package I want to know her as a person in future, share a pizza and go to someplace. That's it. Let's see if something like this happens!. Her current guy is nice but I feel he's over possessive and keeps her like some thing or trophy or something that he's the owner of, plus he doesn't understand her view sometimes. He's fought with me many times, even 2-3 ago we had a fight, now it is very easy to go feed shit in her mind about him but I don't believe in doing that as it might be just my view and even if I'm right about him, she's pretty smart, she'll come to know by herself.I'm keeping this part aside for sometime now, I think I'll be working on my science skills for sometime to keep my self occupied . Okay one good thing that happened was She just called me while I was writing about her.

Today is actually an awesome day. I am starting off as a new version of myself. Even though I have tried to do so previously before. If you talk in terms of JEE scores I have failed miserably more than 7 times. But then today I saw Kung Fu Panda, I had seen it many times before but today was different. I realized I was like Po in my field, I just needed to practice and understand until I become the Dragon Warrior!. I found it really inspirational it lessend my worries. Plus my health was getting better, I was killing malaria. Then she called :). I am a little bit happy after that. So basically I'm gonna do awesome things from today and that's the reason I started with this blog, I know the title is by Peter Thiel but hey I got the exact same idea. But its more of my journey I'm currently a 0 and I'll be writing my experiences till become 1.